Laying on his back he looked up from under the shade of a large palm frond musing on how the natural leaf patterns resembled the woven matting his makuahine made to cover the open spots in their hut. Just so a breathe of vanilla flower wove its way through a thick coastal breeze. He was supposed to be down by the water learning how to fish the bay, but a love for the beauty of his homeland always seemed to provoke a whimsical reverie.
Presently amid the rolling tide and grown-ups playful banter came the sound of strange babblings. A voice speaking in unknown sounds, but with the cadence of language. Curiosity supersedes the chance of being admonished for skipping work, so the boy begins slowly shuffling through the detritus of tropical jungle till he feels the warm sun on his cheeks.
In shallow lapping waves was an odd shaped canoe, but what arrested his callow visage was the men speaking with his ohana. Their pale complexions compared to the familiar nuttiness of his people was funny and he giggled at how uncomfortable they must be all covered in fabric.
Soon all fourteen newcomers, seven men and their wahines, were living among the boy and his people. They built elaborate huts and taught the natives to make symbols on parchment creating the first written Hawaiian. By the time the boy was a teenager he was speaking English and praying to a new God. Under Queen Kaahumanu it was a peaceful time of welcomed prosperity, despite the slow diminishing of the boy’s old culture for practices claiming to be more civilized.
As a man now the world around him looked similar but felt very different. The guests soon took on the manner of an invasive species. Old customs were replaced with schools and Holy scriptures. Where lush natural gardens once quilted the landscape over 200 churches now stood. Yet, overall life was still good on the island flourishing now with modernity.
Everything changed in the year of their Lord 1852 when the American church stopped sending money for the visitors. Fearing the white people and their support would leave if they had to take time away from preaching and teaching to actually work, King Kamehameha III made a grave miscalculation. He sold the Americans vast parcels of land at an extremely cheap rate. Eventually the now land-owning haoles rose plantations and companies capitalizing on rich Hawaiian resources. This made them very wealthy and created a cast system in which the man and his ohana now found themselves at the bottom of.
On January 16, 1893 our indignant friend stood guard over her Majesty Queen Lili'uokalani while American troops descended upon the royal palace. As he felt the cold in his hand from a weapon he didn’t know how to use he thought back to that day in the shade under the palm trees as a boy, before it all changed. He prayed to his new Christian God … in vain. The following day Lili'uokalani surrendered to being annexed by the United States government in what could be considered the largest corporate takeover in American history.
In 1820 fourteen Protestant missionaries landed in Kawaihae subsequently changing the course of Hawaiian history forever and catalyzing what would become centuries of dissonance between Hawaiians and the United States. The Protestants become wealthy entrepreneurs succumbed to the lure of the tropics and manipulated their self-serving beliefs possibly jeopardizing their own salvation. Therefore, one can say this whole unfortunate experience was brought on by the missionary’s downfall.
Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Tony, and this is Pod Tiki.
From such bedeviled beginnings sprouts the impetus for a culinary movement we still find today. The idea of fresh, farm to table ingredients. And this carries over to the world of mixology under guise of craft cocktails utilizing fresh fruits and natural sweeteners. But this isn’t some hipster trend started in the modern craft resurgence of the 2010’s. No, to go to the beginning we find ourselves back in our main narrative at a wry little Polynesian bar in Hollywood, California run by a curious man touting himself as Donn The Beachcomber.
We know Constantino, the head bartender at La Floridita credited with making the daiquiri famous, grew his own limes in order to ensure the perfect flavor. Trader Vic’s culinary approach to creating drinks informed generations of Tiki mixologists. But before all that Donn Beach was experimenting beyond his propensity for blending different rums and fresh syrups by blending fresh fruit and herbs right into the drink. With its use of fresh mint and pineapple I wonder if the Missionary’s Downfall was an accident. It kind of appears like someone dropped the garnish into the drink before mixing.
This drink is a testament to Donn’s adventurous spirit as it pertains to creating new recipes, and at first glance adding mint leaves directly into the mixer seems like it may be kinda gross. We’ve all had that rogue leaf accost the back of our throat when the mojito has been too muddled. And remember, this is before the age of the smoothie. At least Donn never implied any pretense of healthiness. In the end, though, it turns out it’s pretty dang delicious, and with only a ½ oz of added real sugar probably healthier than a smoothie.
The Missionary’s Downfall is almost unheard of on modern menus. Most likely due to its arduous process. To make one correctly the use of fresh pineapple is imperative. Understandably most Tiki bars that can make a decent one are probably too busy to mess with all that, and substituting fresh pineapple for juice just doesn’t render the desired result.
Notwithstanding its rarity this drink dates back to 1937 on Don The Beachcomber menus. It was kept alive across time and multiple locations and undoubtedly adjusted here and there. This is why being a Tiki purest is all but futile. It’s well known, similar to how an artist claims a masterpiece is never truly finished, that Donn Beach and his few trusted bartenders would update the drinks from time to time. This may’ve been to keep up with changing tastes or perhaps revive a cocktail that had fallen out of fashion. In any case, the MIssionary’s Downfall recipe we have today is about as close as we could ever come to an original Donn Beach concoction. That’s because it was unearthed by famed Tiki drink archeologist Jeff “Beachbum” Berry directly from the family of Hank Riddle.
Who on Tiki’s green Earth is Hank Riddle? No, he’s not a Harry Potter villain. Hank Riddle was one of those chosen few bartenders privy to Donn Beach’s real recipes. This was because he worked for Donn form the 1940’s to the 80’s across multiple restaurant locations and even while peppering in a few other tropical bars in between.
Believe it or not, being a friend and head bartender for the man who created Tiki is not even a fraction of what makes Hank Riddle’s life so interesting. We covered Hank extensively in our Three Dots and a Dash Episode. I urge you all to pause this right now and listen to that if you haven’t. For a brief overview - Hank began his life the son of a wealthy fishing fleet owner in the Philippines. After the bombing of Pearl Harbor his family lost everything and was forced to flea to the woods to evade capture. By 15 yrs old Hank was part of the guerilla resistance when he was mistaken for a Japanese spy, tied to a tree to die, only to be rescued by a passing friend who recognized him by happenstance. After the war Hank befriended Donn Beach in Hawaii who offered him a job in California.
Hank made a name for himself as a favorite of Beachcomber’s Hollywood elite clientele due to his ability to mitigate compromising situations. Hank’s aptitude for de-escalation came in handy among his coworkers as well. On more than a few occasions he had to broker peace between a knife wielding Chinese cook and Filipino waiter.
Hank created some drinks of his own, but was best known for the time he spent mastering and serving Donn’s original recipes. After working his way up to running several Don the Beachcomber restaurants Hank ran himself into to ground working non-stop. His wife credits his dedication to work for taking Hank’s life. Which he lost at the age of 63 in 1989.
There’s a lot more to Hank Riddle’s life including some funny anecdotes I didn’t want to repeat here, so please check out the aforementioned episode, or even better, pick up a copy of Sippin’ Safari by Jeff Berry where he tells Hanks story from a first hand eloquence I can only aspire to. At any rate, it’s from the family of this trusted Donn Beach bartender that we get the real Don the Beachcomber Missionary’s Downfall recipe.
Without further ado, let’s make a drink!
Let’s start with the stars of this little ditty, pineapple and mint. Sometimes Tiki drinks can be like Taco Bell food, a lot of the same ingredients in different shapes. The Missionary’s Downfall separates itself by using whole pineapple chunks instead of juice, and by incorporating mint directly into the mix; for flavor rather than just olfactory sensation. The pineapple adds viscosity when blended creating a lovely texture. I use one of those spiral cutting pineapple hand coring tools. If you’re doing it the old fashioned way I suggest cutting down rind off then slicing down along the sides to avoid the core. Take my advice and stay away from those canned pineapple rings soaking in preservative syrup.
Blending the mint with the drink not only expresses the oils, adding a fresh-deep-floral richness, but also flecks the drink with tiny emerald particles making it look like glitter in the glass. And your wife won’t get mad if you come home with mint all over your lap. When shaking and straining with mint I usually throw the whole sprig in, but being that it’s being blended right in I plucked the mint leaves off the sprig for this one.
The other fresh ingredient is of course, lime juice. It goes without saying to use fresh squeezed.
To accent all that citrus and mint we’re gonna use honey syrup. This is a 1:1 mixture of raw honey to water. Put both in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Stir until the honey is completely dissolved. This method was contrived by Don the Beachcomber to make working with honey easier.
Next we’ll need peach brandy. A lot of modern recipes call for peach liqueur but I stuck with brandy because it was called for specifically in Hank Riddle’s notes. The problem is that it’s way easier to find a high quality peach liqueur than a decent peach brandy. As far as I can tell there’s only one distillery making brandy from actual peaches, and it’s not available near me. Whereas, I could find high quality liqueurs, like Mathilde, a-plenty. Herein lies my dilemma. I followed my instinct and stuck with peach brandy assuming it would at least have richer notes as a brandy base than a liquor using neutral spirits. I begrudgingly went with Paul Masson, which is fine but uses artificial flavors. The wife and I have both fallen in love with this drink so, I’m positive I will be trying it with liqueur soon. If you get there before I do please let me know your thoughts. (sidenote: I’ve been loving all the interaction with everyone on social media. Please keep it coming.)
But wait, Tony! Where’s the rum? This ingredient is uncontested across the board. Hank’s recipe calls by name for light Puerto Rican rum. Now, we can debate which one. There are plenty of wonderful blended light rums out there, but when necessity calls for a true Spanish style column still light rum there’s only a few options. If you’re using Ron del Barrilito for mixing Tiki drinks congratulations on your portfolio. For the rest of us there’s Havana Club Puerto Rico, or more commonly Bacardi or Don Q. I notice Don Q light rum making a hipster comeback, and that’s great. It’s a good rum. The 7yr is amazing. But I feel like some people use it just to say they don’t use Bacardi. Look, you guys have heard me rant about this before so I’ll keep it short. It’s very difficult to mass produce a product with the quality and consistency of companies like Bacardi or Budwieser. Facundo Bacardi created his recipe in Cuba when this style of distillation was in its infancy and pretty much begat a new style of light crisp rum made specifically to the tastes of the American palate. You can hate on large brands all you want, but looking at Bacardi’s sales I would say Facundo’s recipe has stood the test of time. Besides all that, I personally find Bacardi fruitier and crisper, with a good classic Spanish style rum flavor.
Keep in mind I’m only speaking to light Puerto RIcan rums for mixing. This region boasts a plethora of fine sipping varieties that would go underappreciated in a blended drink.
Okay, let me just climb down here. Ugh, oompf, okay there we go. Whew, that horse was pretty high. How about a recipe?!
The Missionary’s Downfall is:
1 oz Light Puerto Rico Rum
½ oz Peach Brandy
½ oz Lime Juice
1 oz Honey Syrup
¼ cup Diced Fresh Pineapple
¼ cup Mint Leaves (Tightly Packed)
¾ cup Crushed Ice
I diced the pineapple before measuring being cautious not to press the juice out while cutting. It should be chunky enough to hold together but small enough to pack into a measuring cup. For the mint I picked enough leaves and pressed them into a measuring cup. The recipe says “tighly packed”, I interpret this like when I screw says “hand tight”. Pack it in enough to get an accurate measure, but it doesn’t need to be pressed in like you’re packing that bong back in college.
Place everything in a blender and blend on high for a full 20 seconds. We really want to frappe the ice. Pour directly into a coup or cocktail glass or champagne saucer. Garnish with the tip of a mint sprig, just 2 or 3 small leaves, placed directly in the center of the drink. Technically this serves two, but seeing as how low the ABV is I prefer to use a large cocktail glass and Bogart it all for myself.
What it lacks in alcohol, Missionary's Downfall more than makes up for in flavor. A minty freshness impacts the senses first, followed by a rich fruity essence. The drink evolves over time vacillating through tart-minty-fruity. Perhaps, it’s simply power of suggestion but the peach and honey seem to linger in the background like a chord proving a melody. I don’t usually like referring to anything with alcohol as refreshing, but if ever there was a time it is now.
More akin to something you may order at a new age tea house than a Tiki bar Missionary's Downfall is very balanced for what seems like a mixed bag of potent flavors. The only actual downfall I taste is that it does finish with heavy citric acid vibes. You’re going to get that with fresh pineapple, but it’s worth it if nothing else for the texture. Crushed ice blended with whole pineapple renders us a beautiful smoothie-like viscosity. One can argue this drink stimulates three senses simultaneously taking in a sip. The scent of fresh mint, flavors of herbs and fruits, and silky sensation on the palate - making Missionary’s Downfall a true cocktail experience.
One of the things I try to do is try all the versions of a particular drink to give you guys what I believe is the best version while maintaining the closest proximity to how the creator intended it to taste. At times it’s difficult because some drinks are also genres of drink. For example, I can’t try every kind of daiquiri and make it to work the next day. Other times it’s just cost prohibitive to buy a bunch of bottles I may only use a little bit of, like the decision I had to make here with peach brandy vs. liqueur. Best case scenario I have to find another cocktail to make that uses that ingredient. Worst case, I now have multiple bottles of something we’re never going to drink taking up space in the bar - a valuable commodity in the life of a city dweller. And sometimes, like now, there’s a version based off the topic drink but enough is changed that it’s really not the same drink anymore. It becomes a Ship-of-Theseus paradox. In this case though, I had to mention the Smuggler’s Cove Aku Aku.
Martin Cate gives credit to the Missionary’s Downfall in his book with a few adjustments.
5 1-inch chunks of Pineapple
8 Mint Leaves
1 oz Lime Juice
½ - Simple Syrup
½ oz Peach Liqueur
1 ½ oz Lightly Aged Rum
Muddle the pineapple in the blender cup first, add remaining ingredients and 6 oz crushed ice, flash blend for 5 seconds and double strain into a chilled coup glass.
Wow. This is a capital W Wonderful drink. It looks great with its yellow/green hue. The minty pineapple takes on a bright clarity and is subdued just a bit giving way to a full rounded rummy peachy depth. The texture? Forget about it! It’s got a thick silky foamy head that puts egg white to shame. The citrus and mint make it into a sort of pineapple meringue. The only thing is that it’s the biggest pain in the ass to make! It takes so long to strain the viscous pineapple/mint slurry to get that great head that it’s almost not worth it. This may be one of the best all around drinks that I’ve ever tasted, but by the time I strain the next round I’m sober again.
Notwithstanding, I feel like a Missionary’s Downfall, to be called such, needs to be served with the fruit and herbs blended in. Martin Cate seems to agree, which is why the Aku AKu gets a very honorable mention here. Such a great drink.
The path to legendary status is not linear. That’s why being a purist is fraught with dissonance. Recipes and methods of preparation evolve and devolve through the ages. Technology is a double edged barspoon. As the means to create the drinks became easier often the quality lessened. Even our beloved Tiki felt the growing pains of premade mixes and canned fruit.
Thankfully, the comely imposter drinks these products rendered don’t fool us anymore. Frankly,, they didn’t back then either.
Missionary’s downfall. No, it’s not just an accident you had trying to have drunk sex. It’s another delicious original brainchild of Don The Beachcomber. He was almost 100 years ahead of his time when it came to using fresh produce in his confounding contrivances. I’m not usually one for pontificating, but if Tiki is our religion and Donn Beach is the pontiff? Well, it looks like we’re all his missionaries. So, when one of us is experiencing hard times let’s pick each other up and raise a glass to another Missionary’s Downfall.
Ladies, and gentlemen, my name is Tony and this has been Pod Tiki. Thank you for listening and Keepi Tiki!
Sources: Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate, Sippin Safari and Remixed by Jeff Berry, Shakaguide.com, Hawaii Digital Newspaper Project,